Category Archives: Humor

Humor, Israel, nuclear Iran, POTUS

Mutually Painful Visits: Nuclear Humor and the Annual Likud Finger in Obama’s Eye………..

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Ref. my post yesterday about Netanyahu poking, yet again, another finger into President Obama’s eye even as he visits with him. Doing it again to the man who, probably correctly, called him ‘a liar’ into an open microphone a couple of years ago. That finger in the eye was, yet again, the announcement of another settlement construction while the Israeli potentate visits Washington (or while American officials visit Israel). It always happens around these mutually painful friendly visits: like the proverbial clockwork. You can take it to the bank, if you are the type that for some perverse weird reason actually trusts and likes his/her banker.

Back to the usual whining about the Iranian “nuclear threat”. Unlike the Iranians, Netanyahu has never said he doesn’t want nuclear weapons; he has never sworn not to pursue them. You know why? Because he has no sense of humor. He is so humorless you’d think he is Jordanian, not Jewish. But I forget: Israelis of all faiths are almost as humorless as the neighbors surrounding them. Could be something to do with the current neighborhood and perhaps with the earlier also humor-challenged Slavic neighbors.

Cheers
Mohammed Haider Ghuloum

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Arab Counterrevoltion, Arab Politics, Egypt, Humor, Israel, Religion, Saudi Arabia, Sectarian, US Foreign Policy

New Tri-Partite Coalition: a Jewish Democracy, an Arab Military Dictatorship, an Arab Tribal Monarchy………

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“A “joint high command” of Arab states is advising the Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu how to press home his ground operation in Gaza, the Debka Net Weeky, a publication of a website close to Israel’s foreign intelligence service Mossad has confirmed. The website said that Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah and Egypt’s President Abdel Fattah al-Sisi are in “constant communication” running daily conferences and sometimes more, according to the website’s sources. That communication is done over secure telephone lines, but such is the political sensitivity of their close co-operation that for really important messages human couriers are used. A special Israeli plane is parked permanently at Cairo’s military airport, ready to lift off whenever top-secret messages between the Egyptian president and the Israeli Prime Minister need to be delivered by hand. The flight takes less than 90 minutes. King Abdullah’s point man in this daily dialogue is the man he dismissed as intelligence chief Prince Bandar bin Sultan, but who has now been re-hired as the King’s special adviser on the Islamic State in Iraq. Bandar maintains “direct contacts” with the Mossad chief Tamir Pardo….…………”

I would call it a coalition of convenience, not an alliance. It is like “the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”, but I will not specify which one of these is which: it is probably a toss-up. It is really a coalition, if that is what it is, of two parties: Israel and the Saudi regime. Egypt has already made its peace with Israel and is doing its share in blockading Gaza and its Hamas rulers, and it has no regional influence left beyond that. Egypt under Al Sisi is now part of the Al Saud sphere of influence as far as other Middle East issues are concerned. Besides, Egypt is not directly involved with the main target of this coalition: Iran and her ruling mullahs.

This is quite a mix of an eclectic coalition of regimes, just look at its members: 

  • One militarized Jewish democracy (it is a democracy so far, if we set aside the West Bank’s future, and not only by Arab or Middle East standards),
  • One harsh Arab military dictatorship led by a Generalisimo Field Marshal but pretending to be a democracy,
  • One absolute tribal Wahhabi theocratic monarchy that has no pretensions of democracy or constitutional law whatsoever (its constitution is however the princes and their palace clerics interpret the law).

What brought them and holds them together? A mix of factors: (1) a desire to maintain the status quo and keep absolute family rule (Saudi Arabia and allies), (2) a desire to keep the military in absolute power and the old oligarchy in place while pretending otherwise (Egypt), (3) a desire to divide the Arabs and other neighbors and to weaken her main regional rival (that would be Iran in the case of Israel).

There is one other factor that sounds ridiculous but some Arab regimes pretend, for political reasons, to take it seriously: a professed media-driven fear of the spread of Shi’ism. This indicates a lot of religious insecurity within the sects of Islam. Saudi and other Gulf sectarian propaganda often warn of this threat of the ‘spread of Shi’ism’. Recently so have otherwise apparently calm but apparently Wahhabi-ized Egyptian clerics from within and without Al-Azhar. But I doubt the Jews of Israel worry much about this nonsense as much as their paranoid neighbors, perhaps excluding some remnant zealots in the settlements and around Jerusalem.

However, it would be fun if there was a true Shi’a threat of conversion in all three countries. Imagine a common threat to convert all Sunnis of Egypt, all Wahhabis of Saudi Arabia, and the toughest nut of all would be to convert all Jews of Israel (and hence of the Diaspora from New York to San Fernando valley).

Just think: they wouldn’t have to wait for the Second Coming and the Rapture to convert, although it would be to the wrong faith. That should give all Christian Zionists in the American Red-blooded States massive group infarct.

Cheers
Mohammed Haider Ghuloum

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Arab League, Arab Revolutions, Egypt, GCC, Humor, Iraq, Kuwait, Qatar, Saudi Arabia

The Case for Splitting the Arab States: Wahhabistan and Huthistan and Rafidhistan……….

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Much has been written and said in the past ten years about the potential for splitting Iraq. The argument is mainly that the sects and ethnic groups cannot reach a deal to remain together peacefully within the British-created borders of Iraq. The Kurds want to split away, they are just waiting for when the moment is right (to quote the famous TV ad). The Sunni southwest region is in many ways more like northern Saudi Arabia than Iraq, at least in a tribal sense. There has also been talk of a split of Syria into Alawi, Sunni, and Wahhabi parts (perhaps a Kurdish one as well). We can extend that to some other Arab states; why only Syria and Iraq and Sudan (as happened a couple of years ago) or Somalia (which is bound to happen)? Let us explore a few other cases:

  • Saudi Arabia: King Abdulaziz Ibn Saud invaded and annexed several regions to his own Nejdi kingdom in the 20th century. His kingdom can now be divided into three states. The Nejd area will form a Wahhabistan which will keep the current name of Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (if they don’t like Wahhabistan). The Hijaz will form another state where they all speak the same dialect of Arabic and say things like ‘ya shaikh’ and ‘ikhtishi’ and ‘koweyiss’ (meaning ‘good’). The smallest state will be along the coast of the Persian-American Gulf, where most of the Shi’as live. The southern part will join the next state on my list in northern Yemen.
  • Yemen: the northern most part of Yemen will annex the southern regions that had been usurped by Saudi King Abdulaziz in 1930s. It will be renamed Huthistan. The central part, the rest of the old Yemen will become “Yemen”. Southern Yemen which lost its independence in 1990 to become part of Yemen will regain its freedom and will be renamed the People’s Democratic Republic of Yemen Southern Arabia.
  • Bahrain: Shi’as and some others have been in protest mode for more than three years, seeking equality in politics and economics. The Al Khalifa rulers and their tribal and Salafi allies are determined to deny them that right. So why not divide Bahrain into two mini parts: Manama and Muharraq to become one country (perhaps forming one new Saudi province), and the rest, including the neglected villages and townships could become another state of its own. This Shi’a part could be called the Rafidhi State and join the GCC as such. Or maybe it can join the United Arab Emirates (UAE) as the eighth emirate. Okay, maybe I will send a text message to the shaikh, sorry king, suggesting it (with a copy forwarded to the Saudi king since it will be his decision to make).
  • Libya: is already divided into at least two parts: let us keep it that way.
  • Morocco: no change, except that the king will have to give up the Sahrawi region.
  • Egypt: Egypt has had nearly the same borders for thousands of years, the only Arab country to have this distinction. There are no major tribes or tribal divisions, although there are now deep religious divisions. So Egypt will probably remain the same: bored to death under a boring military ruler presiding over the same old bureaucracy, but united. The Sinai will remain a wild violent outpost and the south a place of violent clashes among the clans over women and cattle and religion.
  • UAE: the Abu Dhabi shaikhs have got the rest of them by the balls. Only Dubai is rich enough to draw the line.
  • Qatar: maybe it will join Turkey as a new Ottoman outpost.

(The Arab League will them change from a league or 20 some despots to a League of Forty Thieves. And I am almost serious about this, almost).

Cheers

Mohammed Haider Ghuloum

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Culture, Donkeys and Asses, Humor, Jackasses, Marriage

How Many Jackasses are Needed at One Wedding?……….

      

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“According to the wedding-trend reporters at the Knot, donkeys at weddings are literal walking icebreakers, beasts that will lighten the burden of socializing. An Arizona company called Haul N Ass Productions has trained them to walk around, distributing beer from saddlebags. They also carry their own carrot snacks. For entirely donkey-themed nuptials, there’s the Donkey Sanctuary in England, which was registered as a wedding venue in 2013. Couples marry in a decorated stable. Two of the participating donkeys are named Mopsy and Zippo. Donkeys are especially popular in Tex-Mex-Southwestern-themed weddings. At this wedding, the donkey wore a floral straw hat and looked pissed off. At this wedding the donkey tried to eat the fancy floral arrangement, which, in his defense, looked like hay…………….”

I am not going to comment. Just do the math. How many jackasses are needed at one wedding? That depends……....
Yet, Since I started again on donkeys (or jackasses if you prefer) in my last post.
Speaking of which (and this is not a comment): a few years ago Arab media reported about a wedding in Damascus (of all places). During the celebrations, the bride decided to sing to her groom as they danced. Unfortunately she picked a silly Egyptian song that was apparently very popular. Its title: I love you, jackass (بحبك يا حمار). That marriage was never consummated.



Cheers
mhg

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Bahrain, Donkeys and Asses, GCC, History, Humor, Jackasses, Kuwait, Persian Gulf

GCC Migration of Equus Asinus: Former Plain Donkeys become Leading Jackasses………

      

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“I don’t know if there’s already a designated creature, which holds the title of National Animal of Bahrain, but to my mind none would be more deserving than Equus asinus – the donkey. No other animal has toiled more for the people of Bahrain, nor contributed more to the country’s prosperity than this humble creature. Before the widespread use of motor vehicles, donkeys were the main means of transport. Every village, and central Manama itself, was teeming with donkeys. They were used to transport sweet water and kerosene around the neighbourhoods; they took goods to and from the market place; they pulled the municipal rubbish carts; they collected fish from the seashore; and, before air transport, they were used to bring ashore passengers from boats during low tide. It is thought that all domestic donkeys originated from the Nubian wild ass (Equus asinus africanus), and the first domesticated donkeys were probably imported into Bahrain during the Dilmun era, when the inhabitants of the islands practised a flourishing trade in the import/export business. Donkey bones dating from the third and second millennium BC have been unearthed at various archaeological sites around Bahrain, providing historical evidence of the close association between people and donkeys in Bahrain……………..”



The writer says that he does not know if “there’s already a designated creature, which holds the title of National Animal of Bahrain”. I got news for her (or him): the people have already chosen the national animal of Bahrain, and they all seem to agree that it is the ass (or donkey or jackass). Or maybe I should say Al-Ass (or Al-Donkey or Al-Jackass). Why do you think they have been rebelling for three years?

That article was written in 2007, before the people rebelled against all them long-eared Als. It was published by a daily that calls itself “The Voice of Bahrain”.

It says here that Nubian asses were imported into Bahrain centuries ago, but that was probably on a small scale. I was told by sources in Bahrain and Kuwait that most donkeys of Bahrain seem to have migrated to the island with the Al-Khalifa clan. When the clan moved through Kuwait to Bahrain about a couple of centuries ago, suddenly the number of asses in Bahrain increased dramatically, while the number of donkeys in my native Kuwait decreased dramatically. I wonder if there is a connection between the dramatic shift in asinine demographics. That this is how the Equus asinus became the Equus asinus Bahrainicus.

I was also told by someone who claims she is knowledgeable that, immediately after that migration, the average intelligence of a resident of Kuwait skyrocketed, even before I was born in the Sharq district. At the same time the average intelligence of a resident of Bahrain dropped sharply with the new arrivals. Street crime also increased on the island, eventually aided and abetted by Western advisers and weapons and imported foreign mercenaries. Looting and thievery on a grand scale, especially of land, also increased at that time and continues to be extremely high.

I think this requires further study, and perhaps some deep thinking. More on this soon, stay tuned.

(FYI: this is a newly altered version of an older post. It is one of those posts that I enjoy going back and reading again, and revising. It is one of the posts I like to share every once in a while. I have made some slight changes on this current post).
Cheers
mhg

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Anti-Semitism, Humor, Israel, Jesus, Jews, Religion

Sinning Zealots: American Zionist Hayseeds Awaiting the ‘Final’ Final Solution…….

      

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“Despite an uproar in the Jewish community, former president George W. Bush is still slated to deliver the keynote address to a fundraiser for the Messianic Jewish Bible Institute in Irving, Texas, tonight. The MJBI trains people to persuade Jews to recognize Jesus as their messiah. Followers of the group believe that if enough Jews are converted, Christ will return to Earth. After Mother Jones broke the news about Bush’s appearance last week, “a small shitstorm…kicked up over the President’s decision,” writes Rob Eshman, editor of the Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. “I have yet to meet a Jewish person who hasn’t heard about this,” Tevi Troy, Bush’s White House liaison to the Jewish community from 2003 to 2004, told CNN Wednesday. Troy had high praise for Bush’s support of Israel and the Jewish community, but, he added, “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.” A spokesman for the Republican Jewish Coalition did not respond…………..”

There is something hypocritical about these objections. After all, it is known most those right-wing (and a few left-wing) politicians who are more Zionist than Ben Netanyahu are doing it for the same reason. All these Bible-thumpers and occasional secret sinners (and I mean serious focused sinners: nobody sins like a zealot) are seeking to convert the Jewish people, eventually. Accent on “eventually”.
In fact they are certain that they will convert all the Jews, eventually. They anticipate that once all the Jews are gathered in the Holy Land (do they mean ALL of them?) and the Rapture dawns, they will all finally convert to the eccentric ancient Jewish sect inadvertently started by Jesus of Nazareth. Yep, that same sect the Europeans took to Rome and Constantinople so many centuries ago and made into a huge bureaucracy. Before the Americans took it over and converted it into a huge show-biz-style money machine.
And voila! No more Jews! With friends like these……….
I am not a suspicious and rude and crude person. If I were, I would opine that all these right-wing wannabe Zionists, all these Ben Netanyahu fans and groupies, have a sinister goal. They are seeking their own “final solution” for the Jewish people, only they are more genteel about it than the Europeans have been for the past six centuries. The favorite European methods of conversion have been gruesome and often unconvincing: the rack, the burning pyre, pogroms, indiscriminate massacres, and the gas chambers. Not the right way to win hearts (forget about minds). The American extreme right is smarter: it “knows”, it just “knows”, that someday there will be no more Jews. All they need is await the Rapture.

This is not antisemitism. After all, these good well-meaning folks would like the same fate for Muslims and Buddhists and Hindus and Environmentalists and Marxists and even for Northeast and West Coast Democrats.
Meanwhile the Israelis, knowing what is planned for them by these hayseeds, are laughing as their agenda becomes Washington’s agenda.

Cheers
mhg

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Humor, Israel, Palestine

Swords to Caterpillars: Secret of New Palestinian Peace Talks, Mystery of the New Settlements……

      

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“JERUSALEM—As part of their continuing efforts to bring peace to the conflict-stricken region, Israeli government officials announced today the construction of a new settlement on Palestinian lands where future peace talks can be held. “After years of failed diplomacy, it has become clear that we need to make a fresh start, and what better way to do so than by appropriating a small amount of Palestinian territory where Israeli citizens can live and negotiators from both sides can talk about a peaceful way forward?” said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, referring to the civilian Jewish community that will be constructed in place of multiple razed city blocks in the West Bank. “With this new settlement in place, I believe that our prospects of peace and unity will be brighter than ever. In fact, we should build more settlements so there can be even more places to negotiate.” Netanyahu noted that any individuals currently living on the future site of Israeli-Palestinian peace talks have exactly 36 hours to leave before they are forcibly removed….…………..”

It almost makes sense. Given the way things have gone these past few years, like declaring new illegal settlements on the eve of so-called “peace talks”, it is quite possible that Netanyahu will expropriate some more Palestinian lands in the name of peace. The term “chutzpah” seems to have been coined just to describe Netanyahu.
Cheers
mhg

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Arab Revolutions, Culture, Egypt, GCC, Humor, Muslim Brotherhood, UAE

UAE: Liberator of Egypt Retires from Twitter……….

      

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Liberator of Egypt and his ‘nooq’: proud family man


I noted in an earlier post that Dhahi Khalfan, chief of Dubai Police, might be part of a high-level delegation of UAE potentates that visited Egypt. As it turned out, he was not. General Khalfan is quite a character. He is allegedly widely considered the true “liberator of Egypt” by many of his compatriots, including some UAE journalists and academics and intellectuals who are not currently on trial or serving prison terms for their political views. He hinted last week that his battles on Twitter were instrumental in provoking the military coup led by General Al Sisi that overthrew the elected Muslim Brotherhood regime led by Mr. Morsi and replaced it with some Mubarak veterans.

It seems, from the photo posted above, that Mr. Khalfan may have retired from Twitter and other social media in order to spend more time with his family. You might notice him standing proudly, facing his four camels (called nooq نوق in Arabic in this particular case). Remember, they are four and only four of these “nooq”.

FYI: I have always written here that the camel is one of my favorite animals. It still is.
Happy Ramadan
Cheers
mhg


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Humor, Iran, Israel

Bibi and the Bomb: with Elmer and Porky and Wile on Looney Tunes………

   

 
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                     Neck of the woods   
      
          Bibi and the gang………….                               Show me the 90% again………….

The cartoon speech Mr. Netanyahu gave at the UN General Assembly, to the adulation of the anchorwomen of Fox, MSNBC, and CNN, and Piers Morgan, still reverberates. I hear from an unreliable IAEA source that Yukia Amano, chief of the UN nuclear watchdog, will suggest to his board that the IAEA henceforth use the Bibi method. All reference to the Iranian nuclear program will henceforth be expressed in colorful images of the Road Runner and Wile E Coyote and Elmer Fudd, et al. Yukiya added that “it humanizes our reports“.
Early Saturday morning now. I plan to turn on my television onto a channel that plays Looney Tunes (I assume they still do on Saturday morning). After breakfast, before hiking, before college football. I hope to see Bibi and the Bomb and Elmer Fudd and Porky Pig and Wile E Coyote duking it out. Oh, and Ahmadinejad, of course.
Cheers
mhg
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Espionage, Humor, Iran, Middle East

More on Iran’s Qassem Suleimani: Solving the Mystery………………

   

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                          Neck of the woods

I wrote yesterday about Qassem Suleimani, the elusive chief of the Iranian Quds Brigade (of the IRGC). It turns out he has been traveling around the world in disguise: that may explain why he can travel freely and so quickly, and be at so many places at almost the same time. These following conflicting reports may shed more light on the man, perhaps eventually unveiling his true identity:

  • My unreliable al-Qaeda source reports that Brigadier General Qassem Suleimani has another incarnation that is, in fact, none other than Ayman al-Zawahiri, better dressed and on steroids.
  • A Syrian source suggested the ridiculous idea that Suleimani is often disguised as Colonel Riyadh al-As’ad, head of the Free Syrian Salafi Army. Perhaps thinned out and beardless.
  • My equally unreliable Bahrain source, right in one of the royal dens palaces at al-Rifa’ enclave, that in fact he is known in Bahrain as Shaikh Ali Salman. Suleimani is none other than head of the al-Wefaq main opposition bloc. (My source rejected the competing notion, pushed by Shaikh Nasser the younger son of Shaikh King Hamad, that Suleimani might be occasionally disguised as either Nabeel Rajab or Sameera Rajab).
  • My Saudi source mentioned something about Shaik Nimr al-Nimr, the opposition cleric who was shot and arrested by al-Saud security forces last month. I explained that Nimr is smaller in size, and he would need a new set of attire. He retorted angrily: “How about the Mufti Shaikh Al Al Al Shaikh as an Iranian mole?” I think he was being sarcastic, but I am not so sure.
  • A Gulf Salafi source, close to the Society for Revival of Islamic Heritage, told me that Suleimani is in fact hanging out in the GCC states, that he moves between Kuwait and Bahrain, with stopovers in Qatar to coordinate with Emir Shaikh Hamad al-Thani (cattily adding “and his wife”). The Salafi, having a Salafi’s usual priorities, added that Suleimani avails himself of both the Shi’a temporary Mut’a marriages and the Wahhabi part-time bedroom-only Misyar marriages on his travels.
  • My Israeli source sent me a terse cryptic message saying: “I know what Netahyahu will come up with, but World War II has been long over.…”
  • I was also told by a GOP source that Sheldon Adelson, the family values Las Vegas and Tel Aviv man, tried to insert an item in the Republican Party platform about Suleimani, to make killing him a national goal more worthy than Killing Osama Bin Laden. It got nowhere.
  • Another source told me something unsettling: that Qassem Suleimani is everywhere, in image if not in body and soul. He pointed out something I did not know: that he is the favorite dartboard image in places as far flung as Riyadh, Manama, Tel Aviv, Washington, Arlington, and Omaha pubs (not sure about that last one). He added that some princes and potentates (both Saudi and Bahraini) in fact end up staring at the general’s image whenever they demurely excuse themselves to go and “powder their noses”.


Cheers
mhg
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